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MP (morning prayer)

Went to morning prayer today. I think I'm starting to get back into the groove of things again. Feeling more myself. It helps so much to spend time with all types of people. To have a voice. To know that I'm loved and that I'm special. Is that selfish? I don't know. I think God definitely made us people of relationship.

It felt like I was being woken from a trance when Dan came over to get me to go to work. I finally got deeper into prayer again. I realize I pray with images. That is me. That is myself. That is how I operate. I do not do the praying out loud thing very well. Therefore, I should just visualize. When I visualize, it helps me to verbalize my prayers better too because I'm feeling things more, and seeing things more clearly. When there isn't an image in my mind, I feel a bit lost.

I've been more mentally active during prayer times. I've been trying to remember what it was like to be on missions in Peru. Trying to recover that mentality for everyday life. Just because I'm in America doesn't mean that I'm no longer battling on a mission field. I am. I've simply forgotten and that's a terrible travesty. Every prayer time is a chance for victory. When I am tired, it does not give me a right to complain or to give up. When I am angry, I need to remember what it was like on the field. I had a determination to love. Why not here then? Because I don't see others doing the same. But what if I am to set the example. I think I in fact am being asked to do that. So I'm finding myself again.

Talking to people has been such an encouragement for me. May, telling me how much she'll miss me and that there will be a void without me. Josh, confessing that when I first got engaged, he was sad and a tad angry. Jongbin going out of his way to invite me to things and really trying to involve me and make me happy. These little people are such a blessing. I came here to bless them, but more than that, they have grown me and blessed me.

It's ok for me to be different. Not every leader is going to be the same. I am meant to teach them something different. I need to find confidence in my differences again. To celebrate, not to derogate.

I need to be more in the spirit of prayer. This morning i prayed for myself, our families, the church, and missions. I am afraid that after I get married, I'll lose the sense of urgency. I really need to be the rock by constantly devoting myself in prayer. Maybe that comes with age. All the old korean grandmas are prayer warriors! can't wait to be a korean grandma. ehehe.